Lets Talk About “Settling” For a Spouse

I grew up being taught that having sex before marriage, getting divorced and remarried, and bringing any children into a relationship equates to a lesser or lower class of love than those who save themselves for marriage and did things “by the book”.

It was portraid as though I would have to “settle” for a spouse that would accept me or my child(ren) if I didn’t play by the “Good Girl Rules”.

So here I am.

Remarried, with plenty of “baggage”, a spunky 7 year old, and I’m previously divorced. Not only that, but my husband is also previous divorced, has his fair share of baggage, and he brought with him two amazing kids.

And let me tell you, I never once felt like I was settling when it came to my second marriage. In fact, going into my second marriage with all of our “baggage” has been nothing but a positive and loving journey.

So I’m here to break the preconceived notion that bringing kids and baggage into a first, second, or maybe even third, marriage doesn’t mean you will be living in a second-class relationship.

1. Being divorced means I already know what I do and don’t need from a husband and I wont settle for less.
2. Not only that, but I was hypersensitive to any red-flags while dating. I genuinely didn’t settle the second time around and I didn’t feel selfish for it either.
3. My “baggage” taught me grace. Not only for myself but for my husband as well. Holding grudges over past mistakes and petty arguments feels silly and unnecessary now. I realized perfection is an unobtainable illusion and striving for it is bound to lead to misery.
4. I genuinly know what being alone and lonely feels like and I can weigh that against the frustrations that marriage brings. Simply put, I have perspective that the grass is not greener on the other side.
5. On that note, being alone and lonely for several years taught me to be content in my isolation. I learned to be happy alone and to not search for happiness in a spouse. How can you be happy with someone when you can’t be happy on your own?
6. And last, bringing kids into a relationship means two things; One, I get to see how my husband reacts to parenting and discipline prior to deciding if this is the person I want as my teammate through raising kids. Second, I also get an inside look as to if I want more children with this person. Trust me, kids are one of the biggest stressors on marriage. Many marriages get pushed to their absolute limits when kids are introduced into the equation. Knowing we’re on the same page and actually “practicing what we preach” before hand is a huge advantage to single couples coming together and pretending they know about parenting and the pure struggles that comes with it. 

Ultimately, we brought experience to our marriage, something many young/single/never marriage couples do not have. My perception of marriage has drastically changed since I was 18, it’s even safe to say I have more realistic expectations now.

Furthermore, I have seen “perfect” couples who are absolutely miserable! Being able to wear white on your wedding day doesn’t mean you are given magical powers on your wedding day to avoid any and all struggle.

Do kids, baggage, and struggle create difficult dynamics? Absolutely. But how you utilize those tools is up to you. I would hope that going through the trenches prior to moving on would provide perspective on the tools you have been given from past experiences. And those tools can be used for destruction or to build a sturdy structure, how you chose to apply them is up to you.

 

XO,

Sydney